I speak a foreign language!

This may not be surprising for anyone who knows me (I study Spanish, Portuguese and Chinese at uni), but I’ve discovered that apparently I’m also fluent in Mumbojumbo, the language of creationists. I’m going to take some extracts from a leaflet that was handed to me outside the Main Library recently (entitled, “For Thinkers Only”) and translate them into Modern English.

Original: “You don’t need to have a PhD before you can settle life’s most important questions. Like an ordinary jury member you can simply weigh up the evidence and come up with a verdict”

Translation: Yeah! Screw learning and all that boring shit, just read this tiny little biased leaflet and make up the answers yourself!

Original: “The evidence points to a designer. Since every design has a designer – and both life and the universe exhibit staggeringly intricate and often irreducibly complex design – life and the universe must have had a creator”

Translation: Everything that we’ve designed has a designer, because we know that we designed it. We already know that God exists because the Bible told us he designed everything. Therefore everything has a designer, which is God. Therefore God exists. Evolution? What’s that?

Original: “The evidence points to a source of objective and moral values. Every law has a lawgiver – and there is a universal moral law (e.g. it is always wrong, for all people in all places, to torture babies) – there must therefore be an absolute moral lawgiver.”

Translation:  The evidence points to a set of laws that are almost never objective and not always even moral. Every law that we’ve made has a lawgiver, and there is a universal moral law which isn’t really all that universal. We can’t have developed this moral code ourselves because… because obviously God told us!

Original: “You can personally experience this God”

Translation: If you’re really gullible you can convince yourself that he exists.

Original: “[the Bible] has survived centuries of ridicule, opposition and government bans, being the world’s best selling book, with over 8 billion copies printed out in more than 2,000 languages.”

Translation: “Even though people realised it was all bullshit centuries ago, for some reason people STILL insist on murdering millions of trees to print this crap.

Original: “It has more ancient manuscripts to authenticate it than any other such pieces of ancient literature combined such as Homer’s Iliad and Caesar’s Gallic Wars.”

Translation: It’s a work of fiction so it’s fitting that we compare it to other works of fiction like Homer’s Iliad, and it’s really biased as well so why don’t we throw The Gallic Wars in, just to be fair?

Just a bit of fun.

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